Commit to living in the real world over and over again

I don’t know if this is just me, and if I am crazy, but you’re here for my thoughts and opinions, so I will just forge ahead as if what I am about to say is totally reasonable. The truth is, I find myself perpetually living three months in the future, dedicating a significant portion of my waking hours to fantasizing about an idealized version of my life.

In reality, my current circumstances are quite positive. I share a lovely apartment with my boyfriend and have a great boss who encourages a healthy work-life balance. While there are undoubtedly challenges and moments of exhaustion and self-doubt, my life is generally good. However, I acknowledge that it will never measure up to the flawless existence I construct in my mind.

I come up with summer outfit ideas in winter, things that will look great on my future gym bod. I lose myself in daydreams of how polished I will appear once I alter the collection of thrifted clothes that have remained untouched for two years. I immerse myself in the content of fashion, interior design, travel, and lifestyle influencers, curating an aspirational vision of my ideal self and surroundings.

When things get really hard, I completely vanish into this perfect world, engaging in compulsive consumption of online content across various platforms. A whole day can go by, and I don’t notice, as if I am nesting in an extreme, curated lifestyle.

I can forgive myself for escapism through binge-reading fantasy or watching three seasons of Grey’s Anatomy in one weekend. But this preoccupation with cultivating a visually perfect life lacks the substance of a genuinely fulfilling existence.

Recently, while I was watching an interior design video on YouTube, almost desperately glued to the screen, my boyfriend sat next to me and asked me to eat with him and chat about our respective days. I had three realizations in that moment: firstly, stopping watching felt like torture; secondly, I didn’t have anything to say because all I did today was consume content; and finally, this moment here where I have dinner with my partner over a home-cooked meal is the good life, it is Hallmark-worthy, Pinterest-worthy, and I am about to miss it.

I have grown so accustomed to the idealized lifestyle I consume online and fabricate in my mind that I can’t even feel anything or recognize the beauty in the present moments of my actual life.

This realization is the key step, it is me becoming conscious of my addiction and admitting it. In truth, it is just the first step. I am going to keep escaping into the future, and every time I do, I will need to remind myself of this fact. I have to keep choosing my real life over some fantasy, day after day, until it becomes ingrained. I will need to maintain a posture of gratitude for my life as it is.